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| "Life is so good. How do I ever forget that?"
"Life can be crazy stressful and will pull one down again and again. That is why you may forget how good it can be and is. Tehya cultivate gratefulness and grace over and over until it is more of a way of life."
So many things made me laugh today (yesterday)... I wish I could remember some of them! I have a little notebook where I record random things that make me feel good--lists of things I'm grateful for, things that enter my head and amuse me, lyrics, old or new quotes from friends, conversations I overhear, conversations I make up, dreams, a running list of naps that were particularly excellent, and so on. It's filling up because there's so much fun and humor and warmth and good feelings to be had. Good thing I have 2 more identical notebooks ready to be filled. That was all kind of positive and cheesy, but I like positivity, and I especially like cheese.
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| When I asked him what a long-term partner would look like for him, I inquired "a co-creator?" to get him started, and he said yes and expounded on that for a paragraph or so. Then after some silence he tacked on, "And I see a lot of those things in you," but it was more the kind of thing you add because you want to give the other person peace of mind, not because it's true or untrue. Hearing him talk about that didn't make me feel upset or inadequate or desperate to be that Person, it just gave me a flash of understanding about the kind of person that would fit him, and what our relationship really is and isn't, and what I am and am not. I can't be that person, (no emotion attached to that statement) I am simply not there yet. He pretty much described my aunt actually. I even said, "Huh. I hope that woman is not Adrienne." (Because that is something that could be a little hard for me to come to terms with. But maybe not actually.) Sometimes when I'm with Adrienne, I am keenly aware of the things she is and I'm not. I understand that most of those qualities that I admire and want in myself are a function of age and experience and growth. I watch her and realize, "I am not actually a woman yet." I don't blame me. It's not MY fault. There's nothing to be gained by feeling regret over something that's on its way eventually. I like this stage of life anyway. It's just that I am starting to see the differences between a young adult and a "real" adult. Don't quite have it nailed down, but something to do with confidence that reaches every corner of a person's being and allows someone to speak with grace and humor and eloquence. Something about being light-hearted and sure-footed and clever. Probably something that has to do with having found and embraced your identity long ago (when you were my age). Something something something... and its not every adult woman. It's not in my mom. I feel like my mom's emotional and personal growth has been stunted. I love her so much that all I want is for her to be fully herself, but I don't know what she needs or if she will ever get it, and it has been a deeply sad process for me realizing that I've surpassed her in some areas. Last night we had the oddest texting conversation. She was upset about something, and some of her angry/hurt rationales and responses made me giggle because they were so illogical, but then it wasn't funny because I knew she was truly feeling bad and couldn't really communicate what was going on for her. It reminded me of an emotionally reactive child (or anyone of any age!) who acts out in some illogical way because of some deeper hurt that isn't quite conscious. It definitely doesn't happen just with kids (just last week I was completely emotionally reactive and being difficult and illogical just because I was feeling hurt), but it's like when my (other) aunt was gone on a business trip and her baby son felt abandoned and kept angrily throwing down the phone when she was on the other end. Then he went to his room and ripped up his favorite book. Or like when I was in kindergarten and expressed my devotion to the boy I liked. He didn't like me back and kissed my best friend at recess. I was so hurt, but hurt was too hard to directly deal with so instead I felt angry and came home every day with exaggerated stories about how much trouble this boy was always getting into at school. Ties in with many theories on how people protect their self-esteem actually. It felt much better to be angry at HIM and hate HIM than have to face the fact that he didn't want ME. I scribbled his face out in the yearbook when it came. It's a shame because now I have no idea what he looked like, and I'm curious.
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| And everything's fine. Once again. It's funny that I keep dumping him at the same time of the month. I didn't catch on until this time. And next month I may feel like doing it again, if we are together in a month, but I am going to impose a 3 or 4 day time-out where I am not allowed to make real decisions or send crazy texts or talk (aka yell) on the phone. I guess PMS was almost put in the DSM as a mental disorder. That's a little extreme, although I see their point.
I'm going to find food and a napping location. I hope I find a place in the sun.
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| Must stay grounded. I was ready to ask him why we don't just be partners, or more official or whatever. Would it really be that much of a jump anyway? He's not seeing anyone else. I wake up to Good Morning texts from him. We meet at coffee shops and chat for 3 hours at a time. He's the last person I talk to before I go to bed. We go out to eat every week, or we get takeout so we can chill in the loft and watch dvds. We check into hotels for the fun of it. We are talking about a trip to the Keys. He said the L word first. He told me he was attached. I felt like our feelings were getting deeper because mine certainly are. I feel taken. I tell people I am. I have no desire to get to know anyone else. I was THIS close to asking him if we could be partners. Thank God just through casual conversation he said some things that showed me he was not thinking what I was thinking. He is happy on his own personal journey right now, and sees me as COMPANY along the way. And yeah eventually he would like to meet someone he really clicks with and get serious with them, but he's doing his own thing for now. "Owie!" said my hopeful little heart. We really are just good friends and fuck buddies. I know he loves me, I know he's attached to me, so why am *I* not partner material? We don't click? Is it the age difference? He treats me as an equal, but in reality does he not see me as an equal that could be a true partner for him? And what happens when he is ready to meet someone, then he meets her, then he clicks with her? I just have to fuck off? He would deal with that situation very carefully, as he is always careful with me, but it doesn't change the fact that when he finds what he wants when it's right for him, I will be moved exclusively to friend-zone, jumping up and down saying, "Why wasn't I enough? Be with me! Love ME!" I told him it's going to hurt when he finds someone he wants to be with and chooses her over me, and he asked why I was putting it on him when I could just as easily find someone too. But no, the difference is I feel like HE'S the someone I've found. I don't see him as some nice casual company for me, while I wait til I'm ready for something serious. I need to inform him of that, because he thinks we're on the same page with this whole business. He doesn't know that I keep track of the months that go by that we've been together, or that when I turn down dates I say, "I'm seeing someone." As grateful as I am for all I've learned from him and all the love he's given me, this is a better deal for him because it's everything he wants for now, but for me it's not enough. I want a real relationship and have for years. | | |
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